This is unusual for me; I am aware. I don’t usually post more than once a week, but having recently being granted copious amounts of time I needed an outlet to process my thoughts.
This week I have hit the proverbial wall, my anxiety is at a high and I can feel the low ebb of depression creeping in. No amount of routine or activity can shift it.
I’ve reached out to others and am very supported emotionally, there is no issue there. Its the guilt of feeling so low when all I have been asked to do is to stay home.
I don’t live in a war torn country and regardless of the panic buying I am not without food, I have help if needed to get supplies or to bend an ear but I still cannot shake my low mood.
I know I am not alone in these low feelings to varying degrees. The feeling of being stuck for an uncertain amount of time is daunting. Not being able to see family or friends is heartbreaking.
I am persistently trying to keep perspective with the current situation, thinking of the bigger picture as to why we have all been asked to do this.
The problem with anxiety/depression is how insidious it is. For myself, I know I have it easy compared to others, to which I beat myself up for feeling so bad. Guilt overrides rational thoughts.
You should never compare your own mental health to others, I’ve said it numerous times to others, but when it comes to heeding my own advice it falls on deaf ears. I repeat to myself that I am not weak for being like this, and I hope one day I will believe it.
I continue to try to keep to a loose routine in the week and there have been a few fleeting positives that have kept my thoughts buoyant.
I’ve regained a passion for baking, from starting a sourdough starter to using leftover bread for bread pudding. It might be a small action but its something I find achievable when I cannot concentrate on reading or television shows.
I am desperately missing photography and as I have mentioned previously I am not close enough to any proper green space to recuperate.
I have installed a new bird feeder to the garden and in the coming days I really hope it attracts birds into the garden. Something which to others may seem mundane fills me with some hope of getting my nature fix.
I am really trying hard to stay afloat and keep my head, the thought of reaching new lows to be honest, scares me. I will continue to communicate my feelings as much as I am able to.
If you suffer with the same afflictions and you haven’t opened up to anyone, please do, knowing I am not alone does help ease some of the burden. If you feel like you cannot do that, phone a helpline e.g. the Samaritans, write your feelings down; don’t hold them in.
From experience having support to give you a leg up out of the depths of poor mental health can be a life saver. I don’t say that lightly, its not a magic fix but it can be the difference to having the weight of the world on your shoulders to sharing the load so its more manageable.
I apologise for the lack of photography with this post. I shall look to remedy this for the next post.
Take care. Rucoby.