Guilty

Over the past year this blog has contained a whole heap of content regarding my mental health, those posts serving as a way for me to vent about what I am feeling.

In previous posts I talk frankly about the importance of speaking up, reaching out and getting help.

I am a fraud.

Do not mistake me, I thoroughly believe that talking can help, it has saved me in the past, you can only start a real journey to recovery if you seek support. I am a fraud in the sense that I have not done this for myself recently.

This blog has made it very easy for me to talk about what is ailing me but negates me having any real conversations about the situation.

I find it extremely difficult to ask for help. I constantly feel like an inconvenience to everyone. Even writing this down, the voice in the back of my head is saying…..for gods sake they don’t need to read another mental health blog.

So why am I writing it?

Firstly, to out myself as a fraud for not sticking by my own words, I do not practice what I preach. I feel immensely guilty for it. I want to help others but how can I do that when I am all words and no action.

Secondly, I cannot be the only person that does this, so eager to help everyone else but when it comes to themselves are neglectful. I am human, I make mistakes, I sometimes say one thing and do the other, but I also want to be better.

I hope in my admittance others may recognise the same trait in themselves to then hopefully move forward to actually get the help they need and deserve.

My mental health has been slipping since the end of September. I am getting very good at pretending to others that everything is fine. Interactions to others recently would probably look no different to times when I am well.

There are a few tell tale signs though, I am self abusing, I am binge eating constantly it feels, trying to fill a void that food will not touch. I am scratching myself at my worst points, dragging fingernails over imaginary itches. I am sleeping a lot, I have not had any motivation for anything.

Inside I feel like I am drowning. I am not coping at all. I have started to feel removed from myself, like an outer body experience, I am operating in auto.

Its one of the hardest things, I am not going to lie, to admit you are struggling to anyone. I hate talking about myself and when I do it is almost always in a negative vein.

So what comes next……

I need to have proper conversations with the people around me, I need to be responsible for myself no matter how hard it is. I need professional help, I need a better way to manage when things get bad. I need help.

Not just meaningless words, I need to take action. To no longer be the fraud I feel I am.

I hope you are all well and if not I hope you are able/prepared to reach out. Its not easy, hence why I’ve probably avoided it so far.

Nothing worth having is easily achieved.

Pictures included are from a previous weekend and are not related to the post, thought I would still share.

Until next time, take care