Finding the words

I apologise for the lack of posts recently, in truth I just haven’t been able to find the words. There have been so much to process over the past couple of weeks, it felt frivolous for me to jump onto here to write as if everything was “normal”

This year from the get go has been one trauma to the next. In my recollection there hasn’t been another year like this before. I don’t really talk about news events in these posts, concentrating instead on the photography and even more recently mental health (in hopes of helping others).

So in that same vain of wanting to help others; I am going to add my voice to plead with those who haven’t yet to support Black Lives Matter. Sign the petitions for justice for those who are no longer able to speak, donate (if you are able to), for white people (myself included) to educate yourselves and to have those difficult conversations with those around you about our privilege and what ways we need to be more receptive to learn and move forward as allys, it is up to us to do better.

There are so many heartbreaking and anger inducing situations that should never have happened. From the murders by people who are paid to protect their citizens to birders being reported to the police and having their colour weaponised when politley asking for someone to put a lead on their dog in an area that dogs should be on lead.

I am not qualified to lecture on how these affected their communities, as a white woman I can never fully understand how it feels to be judged, discriminated against because my skin colour/religion/ethnicity is different. When will ignorant people learn that different is not dangerous.

This isn’t a trend, when the news dies down and the next big story break, I urge you to continue to seek out and learn from diverse voices, support diverse companies, look at how you can help to move forward and create an equal footing for all.

I’ve started by talking to my own children about these horrendous acts, it doesn’t matter what age they are, you are never too young/old to learn about (in)justice, equality and privilege.

I will leave links for a few of the petitions I hope you add your name to:

https://www.change.org/p/andy-beshear-justice-for-breonna-taylor

https://www.change.org/p/minneapolis-police-department-justice-for-george-floyd

https://www.change.org/p/suspend-uk-export-of-tear-gas-rubber-bullets-and-riot-shields-to-usa?source_location=petitions_browse

https://www.change.org/p/the-school-system-petition-for-changes-to-be-made-to-the-school-system-to-address-racial-issues-in-the-uk

Nature is a therapy for me, it should be inclusive for all. When I go out with the camera, yeah …I may worry my equipment might get damaged or stolen at worst. I’ve never had to explain to others about my nature watching, or worry others may discriminate while I am out because of the colour of my skin.

I hope we can move forward to a place where can never be the case again, its an uncomfortable journey for us white people, it should be. I am willing to learn and I hope other white people reading this too are to.

Below I have still provided my most recent pictures, I still chose to share them in this post as questioning and learning about racial inequality and how to change behaviors to aid those who most need it should be the new normal and is not separate from my everyday.

Until next time I wish you all the best, take care.

Struggles; I’ve Had A Few.

Another mid-week blog, again for the purpose of processing my thoughts. I have been quite honest about chronicling my mental health in these recent posts. I chose to do this for the purpose of letting anyone else who may be going through similar feelings, know they are not alone.

I must admit I find it hard accepting help for my own struggles, its so much easier to try and help others than it is to unravel the mess in my head. This is not helped by the fact that at times I am “normal”, as in there are no extremes in emotions, I can hold conversations, do activities, maintain a balance in my mood, I’m able to move through my day at a regular pace.

These days make me feel like a fraud when I am hit with anxiety, why is it I can be OK one day and then the next day crash into a wall.

On the bad days I just want to hide, I distance myself from those who I care about, I cannot concentrate on the simplest tasks, my motivation is null and void, I want cry most of the time and at my very worst I usually succumb to a panic attack or two.

My insecurities bubble to the top and provides me with unhealthy thoughts to obsess over. I would not wish this state of mind to anyone.

I am a nightmare to live with, I feel guilty about being the way I am. My family/friends are unconditional with their care and support. If I didn’t have them around I would hate to think of where I would or would not be today.

I had hoped that my this post would of been be a positive one, so within this I will add something that I have started to try and be proactive in these uncertain times.

Myself and a friend were talking about how our photography had been neglected recently and how we were looking for a way to keep creative. We had the brainwave that over on my Facebook page (search: Rucoby) I would set weekly photography challenges.

This is open to absolutely anyone, regardless of where they are in their photography; from the absolute beginner to the seasoned pro. It isn’t just about how good a capture looks, but how well does the snap fit the brief. The challenges are just for a bit of fun, our main aim is to try and give people something to do while they are stuck at home and hopefully to get people thinking creatively.

I hope some of you get involved, as now more than ever we need to come together to make sense of the strangeness going on around the world at present.

The first theme that I announced on Monday was Time, as the challenges are hosted on my page I decided that with the announcements I would post my own interpretation of that weeks theme. This gives me a purpose to shoot, makes me think differently and it makes me be proactive.

As you can see I shot the classic flour bomb shot, to me this displays a brief moment in time, although I am sure others will surely demonstrate to me many other ways to interpret time.

The other photo I have provided is an attempt to shoot the super moon that rose on Tuesday. Unfortunately the clouds had other ideas for me getting a clear picture, however; they did add a moodiness to the shot.

I am trying to remain hopeful that the next post will be in more of a positive vain.

I would also like to urge anyone who is feeling low, anxious or lonely to reach out. Seek help, if you don’t have close friends or family talk to a charity helpline, it is so much better to let these feelings out than it is to hold them in for them to grow and become all consuming.

There are no magic fixes I will confess, but each day you reach the end of is a win. Small achievements mean so much when some days just getting out of bed is a challenge.

Getting help is not a weakness, it means you are ready to heal. I really hope that this helps someone, even in a small way.

Until next time, take care, Rucoby.

Motivation

What motivates you? I’ve asked myself this question numerous times this past week. What drives me to keep going, when the urge to sink into my anxiety/depression becomes stronger?

One of the biggest factors for my resilience so far is my family/friends. From the family I am currently cooped up with, to the family members and friends that check in with phone calls and text messages, all contribute greatly in helping to keep me positive.

I would be lying if I said I hadn’t suffered times where my motivation has been lacking, where the pull of spending the day in bed was an enticing option as I couldn’t see the point of seeing the day through. Somehow, I have resisted the temptation.

There have been small actions that I’ve dedicated time to each day to keep me active and my keep my focus away from negativity. Feeding my sourdough starter (which has now been christened as RuRu), baking (the favourite recipe for the moment being chocolate crinkle cookies, found on the BBC Goodfood website) and listening to my favourite music playlists are just a few examples.

I’d love to hear from yourselves about what is helping you get through these strange days.

There is still a distinct lack of photography this week, with the bird feeder yet to fulfill my nature fix, I am still hopeful that I’ll get some visitors to the garden soon. There are always starlings, pigeons, blue tits, robins and even goldfinch that I’ve spotted flying past the house, they just need to find the feeder!

The one time I did manage to get my camera out was for the first quarter moon. This shot was achieved by stacking images together in Lightroom. I have never tried this editing tool before and although the image isn’t pin sharp I am pleased with the resulting picture.

The other shot I have provided is of another glorious sunset, taken with my phone camera. Isn’t it just the way, that the weather has been mild and bright while we have all been told to stay home.

I really hope you are all keeping well, take care until next time.